end of day.

i stepped out into the slight mugginess of evening. the air wasn't particularly sticky, but not breezy either. it was just sort of there. that's kind of how i felt too as i sat on the porch swing and looked out over the field where between trees the sun was turning a shade of golden pink that's hard to describe. cars were starting to round the corner at Hillman Street and pull up onto the edge of the grass to park.

i was taking a break to clear my head but it didn't do much good. lately--mainly today--we're a little overwhelmed. i think we (our family) has taken on more than we can handle comfortably for the moment. whether or not we're those kind of people who can easily tackle a home renovation is yet to be determined. well, i think the easily part has definitely been determined. still our house is slowly taking shape, and our lives too as a result. but it's just difficult to rest sometimes [i mean that more in the internal sense.] or maybe we're not meant to rest as much as i think we are. i believe God set aside one day a week, come to think of it.

sometimes i feel like when i'm trying to do so many things, i don't do any of them very well at all. it doesn't help that i'm a perfectionist either. i far too quickly feel that i've failed.

so i sat on the porch and watched the (mostly) older men file out of cars and greet one another before heading into the small white building directly across from our neighbors who have a mint green kitchen. the building belongs to the methodist church which sits just beyond a group of trees and a clearing, and they use it for different outreach meetings such as a weekly food pantry. it occurred to me that Tuesdays at 7 o'clock are AA meetings [i think.] mmm, probably not helpful that i was sitting on my porch not thirty feet away sipping a half-glass of wine. so i went inside.

...and here i am. eli is asleep and we had some sweet moments today. he very much enjoyed my iPod and listened to Sixpence and the Bees for quite awhile, strutting around the house. he helped me sweep and put away rolling suitcases (he pulled, i lifted). he ate well and is learning to feed himself with a spoon. we read two books (Goodnight Sweet Pig and another one about a duck.) he rested on my shoulder and drifted to the nighttime portion of Slugs and Bugs and Lullabies as we rocked in the big brown chair. and for a moment, i think i might have rested too.

sneak peeks

i'm hunkered down in the house these days, working on a couple of projects: one large, one small.

i'll reveal more once there are completed pieces to show but for now i'm keeping them a secret. here are a few little hints...








i'm also on to my next bit of summer reading: Love In The Time of Cholera...

plus tending to the life and times of this little person...


and approaching thirty-five in a few days which feels just crazy & unbelievable to me. but not necessarily in a bad way.

sweet little thing(s).

we've learned not to grumble when jeremy leaves town...usually it's only for a few days at a time (could be worse), and we keep our schedule filled with outings and errands and coloring books. sometimes i actually do strangely better when i'm solo parenting. not because my husband isn't a tremendous help when he's home (he is), but i think there's a mental shift that happens whenever he takes a trip. perhaps by sheer necessity, i spring into power-mom mode and am fueled by a subconscious sense that i have no choice but to handle things on my own. and so i do: happily and quite resiliently at first. but by about hour three of day four, we both start to get a bit whiny, eli and me. he starts muttering da-da between tears, and i start checking the clock every twenty minutes.

it also doesn't help that he's not feeling well. he had a fever yesterday and has been horribly tantrum-prone today, so i think we'll be staying home from church this evening. i am actually really wishing we could go (there will be adults there!) but i can tell he's on the brink of something, whether sickness or an emotional meltdown is yet to be determined. currently he's napping after falling asleep during a time-out which he earned by hitting me because i wouldn't let him pluck the letters from my keyboard one by one (my spacebar is already askew). mean mean mommy.

today aside, the weekend has been productive and fun for both in varying degrees. our child-centered activities have included playing in the tee-pee with twelve stuffed pets. a trip to the indoor playground at McDonald's because it was too scorching hot outside for the park. bubbles. coloring pictures of Thomas the train. fun with fly swatters. eating chocolate pudding. reading a new story-book that came in the mail. and talking on the phone with daddy.

now i'm doing laundry upon laundry and brewing afternoon coffee for one. my mother-in-law recently enlightened me to the power of Oxiclean. it's good stuff.

on friday, we stopped by two antique stores which Eli is beginning to detest less. I found some trinkets for $5. this is becoming my favorite time-passer when j is out of town: hunting for a small collection of desirable objects for around $5. some might call it junk, but i have a vision for all of it. i don't buy things unless i'm inspired when i see them. last time i acquired this & this.

this time, i found:

a crocheted apron which i might make into a pillow.

three doilies for which i have plans.

a small dish for my wall-display of plates.

this cute embroidered wrap for my silverplate spoon collection.

and a tin petty cash box to hold art pencils.

all for five dollars, and in THIS economy! Oxiclean was helpful in bringing two of them back to life.

in other news, we have gnats! an entire army of them and apparently they keep making babies behind the cereal boxes. we've set out saucers of vinegar and have caught at least eighty of them since tuesday, but just when i think we're down to the last three or four, a new litter hatches and they begin swarming again. i must say, few things are more annoying than a kitchen full of gnats, and isn't "gnat" just the perfect name to describe them? yes, i think so too.

drink your breakfast.

i guess it's a little late to be trying to sculpt myself into shape for bathing suit season, especially since i've already been to the beach, but i have felt inspired to get a bit more healthy lately. mostly, i'm hoping to keep up with my energetic eighteen month old. many days, to be honest, i find myself already exhausted by noon.

breakfast is part of my problem. i know it's the most important meal of the day, and considering my need of a nap by lunchtime, i can understand why. but i just never really feel that hungry in the morning. i know part of it is that i'm filling up on coffee (a necessity), and part of it is that i hit the ground running with Eli first thing, so by the time i've fed him breakfast and chased him around the house for awhile, i forget about feeding myself. my friend lisa mentioned a healthy drink she's been making at home to start her day so i decided to try it out this weekend.

one small banana, five strawberries, two handfuls of fresh spinach, and a splash of unsweetened apple juice into the blender.

true, it came out the color of grass clippings, but it actually tasted delicious and i will admit i felt a bit more energized throughout the morning. and being able to drink my breakfast quickly is definitely a bonus. i had a piece of string cheese afterward just to get some protein in my system too.

jeremy has been out of town this weekend so i made a tasty dinner for myself after putting Eli to bed that evening: salmon filet brushed with my favorite sauce: veri veri teriyaki, along with a side of oven-roasted asparagus tossed in olive oil, and a sweet potato. i felt a little guilty eating so well with my husband out of town, knowing he was probably grabbing some pizza or a burrito. i'll probably make it again for him this week.

tonight i'm going to pick up a little brown rice sushi and stir-fry some vegetables in the same teriyaki sauce. it's good to eat well, knowing that i'm getting the nutrients i need to be a better mom for my son. i don't imagine he'll be slowing down any time soon, so i had better learn how to keep up.

home revisited.

we've been in and out of town vacationing this summer, and it's been good to take some downtime after a winter spent hammering away on our house. now that we've taken a little time to rest, we'll be picking up tools again this month to resume work on trim, doors, a new master bath, my still-to-be-painted art room, and then finally hanging photos and artwork on the walls. i've been so eager for this final step. a home just isn't a home without things on the walls, in my opinion. as much as i love our paint colors, the bare spaces lack warmth. i have plans to display a black and white collection of photographs in the entry hall, my large ledger collage in the living room, and some other pieces i've got bookmarked on my laptop to buy from etsy and other shops. hopefully by august, most of the final details will be completed and i can reveal some before and after photos. at the moment, most of what i have are before and during, so i'm waiting for the finished views. mostly i'm looking forward to my creative space...it will definitely be the most colorful, feminine area of the house, with shades of blue and green and teensy bits of pink. our master bath is second on my list of anticipated rooms...currently it's just dull grey drywall and lots of dust but soon will be washed in a coat of golden saffron with creamy white accents including an antique vanity, clawfoot tub, and a heavy old wooden mirror framed in chippy paint the color of vanilla frosting.

americana.

this weekend's slight summer rain and the one forthcoming brought the most perfectly cool breeze to our morning walk. we crept along, noticing new details. next door, an awkward tree with five tangled arms sprouted cartoonish tufts of leaves. we strolled along...

counting as we went...

following the blaring train whistle which momentarily deafened our ears...

past the fire station, uniforms hanging in wait...flags swaying...

and ducked through my absolute favorite piece of kingston springs. this canopy of trees: a moss-covered subway station filled with an eager wind and blinding circles of light swirling in holes overhead...

ladies in lace-hemmed dresses danced along the edge of the road...

with echoes of kids bouncing basketballs on thick pavement. eli's love of swings...

and home again.

summer senses.

dinner is bubbling on the stove. i am eating mexican food for the second night in a row. last night, jeremy and i went to a birthday party catered by Nashville staple Baja Burrito. we enjoyed conversation with some rarely-seen friends in a beautiful backyard on a balmy summer evening. an unseen bullfrog croaked in a pond at the edge of a small gazebo draped with white sheeting. we guzzled cold beer and munched on chips, and saved room for a slice of melt-in-your-mouth cake which i ate with my fingers because the forks had run out. after four days of solo parenting, i really needed a night out with the hub. it was good to laugh, connect with old friends, and get better acquainted with some new ones.

tonight jeremy has ventured just beyond the state's edge for some work in Bowling Green, Kentucky. two friends stopped by this afternoon for a blink-long visit, after which i fed Eli his dinner of miniature meatballs, mac-n-cheese, avocado slices, sweet peas with butter, and in an attempt to pack some extra pounds on his slim frame, bananas smeared with Nutella for dessert. he ate well, then rinsed his chocolate-covered fingers in the bathtub, filling plastic cups with warm water. he requested two story-books and nestled down for bed.


i took a small goblet of Smoking Loon Shiraz to the front porch and settled down on the old wooden swing against a pillow. After swatting myself free of a few invasive wasps darting past our potted rosemary toward my head, i took in the sounds. distant dog yelps, tweetery cardinals nesting in our Rose of Sharon bush, a train chugging by, rustling wind in the trees. these are the moments when i miss the city least. i glanced toward two front yards trimmed with white picket fencing and ahead toward the last embers of sunlight glistening against a swing set across the road.


then into the kitchen for chicken tacos with home-blended seasoning, fresh avocado and sweet grape tomatoes. Bob Costas murmured on TV from the Olympic swimming trials. for some odd reason i find the sounds of the Olympics comforting...the buzz of the crowd, the hypnotic voices of commentators, a lingering sense of triumph.

now, an annoying fly keeps whizzing past my head. we seem to have an abundance of flies in-house these days; i swat at them with kitchen towels. Ants too, little stingless ones marching in line across the oily wooden countertops. we smoosh at them with our fingertips and wish them away.

the house is mostly quiet now...just awaiting the sound of car tires rolling up the gravel drive against the moonlight. all is well.

jumbled.

i accidentally made the bed just now. i hadn't intended to but i was wandering around the room deep in thought and before i could stop myself i was tossing the last of the pillows into place. it was similar to those moments when you're driving along and suddenly you find yourself descending your exit and having no recollection whatsoever of the past five miles that led you there.

but i finished The Great Gatsby last night so i suppose there was no real reason to leave the bed unmade all day. i enjoyed the book a lot and have a faint remembrance of having read it (or sections of it) sometime in school. jeremy said he read it in seventh grade which sort of amazes me because it's a bit mature in content for a twelve year old i think. then again, maybe not. as much or more than i enjoyed the actual story, i really loved the vividness of the writing. it inspired me, perhaps more than Franny and Zooey did...and actually i can say that i dug into it a bit more too. i think i resonate with romance sometimes more than i do with art, though i kind of believe they are one and the same.

yesterday Eli and I ventured out into the baking sun for a trip to the small town just beyond the next even smaller town. [on the way home we passed a sign in the edge of a yard that read: "Goat Crossing." Who even knew that such a sign existed?] While we browsed a few little shops, Eli in his bright orange umbrella stroller, a plastic baggie sat on the car's front seat with a remnant of cheddar cheese leftover from his mid-journey snack. when we returned to the car, the cheese had melted inside the bag into flat gooey blobs as if pressed inside a grilled cheese sandwich. I remembered a line from Gatsby in which he described the heat of the day as broiling.

we had just been grabbing an iced drink inside a coffee shop where Eli had proceeded to chirp and squak like various zoo animals and happily scream "dadadada!!" at the top of his little lungs for no apparent reason. while rushing out to avoid the stares, we paused for a moment to listen to three men intermittently sipping iced tea and playing guitars and harmonicas. the youngest was singing lines from that Moldy Peaches song at the end of Juno (which I've also seen re-created in a commercial for some vacation destination called Atlantis.) Eli was mesmerized for a solid five minutes and it was the quietest I'd heard him all afternoon.

for just over six dollars total i picked up ten little printer's stamps, and this flower picture which i placed upstairs on the top landing next to my favorite red chair.



tonight i am making a curry dish for my friend Lisa who is coming over for a visit. and because i dragged Eli around to places unappealing to active little boys all day yesterday, i promised him that today is a day just for HIM...so after he wakes up we're off to find the playground and that much-anticipated ice cream cone or two.

1...2...3...go.

not much time to write...so much to do.

the naptime clock just started so i have an hour, maybe two. first task is to straighten up...an empty milk carton, spaghetti strainer, wooden spoon, green plastic pail, all strewn about the living room rug. i am glancing sideways at artistic scribbles of ink on the sofa cushion to my right. lucky for the hands that penned it, we've been planning to buy new furniture next month.

this morning we've been to the coffee shop and library. this afternoon we'll have an outing or two if the rain holds off. in between, i need to organize closets (our present house focus), find a babysitter, water the poor hydrangea, finish eating breakfast banana bread and cucumber water, take vitamins, quick shower, grocery list, and possibly sneak in a chapter of my current reading: The Great Gatsby, upon a disheveled bed that will most likely remain that way for the next two days.

j is in Indiana for work. the air outside is hot and we miss him. seems like a good day for an ice cream cone...let's add that to the list.

the elements of rest.

this morning jeremy made a declaration. in fact, he began the declaration by saying, "i am making a declaration."

it was this: "today let's do nothing. i just want to read."

as a plan, this works well because we go to church in the evening. we actually slept in until ten (a rarity) and now eli and j are puttering in the office while a blueberry-orange loaf puffs up in the oven and the dog sniffs the rug for remnants of eli's pancakes.

i finished franny and zooey (loved it!) and am now moving on to The Great Gatsby AND The Screwtape Letters at the same time. well, look at me: TWO books at once! we happen to have two copies by Lewis so we're going to read that one together and discuss.

i then made a declaration of my own. because church begins at five o'clock, i want to start making a big brunch or lunch on Sundays...whatever i was planning for dinner will move to the afternoon. i think this tradition will keep us from jotting mid-sermon notes on our bulletins to each other about the desperation of our hunger. today i will attempt salmon pasta with leeks and broccoli (a recipe from nonchalant mom), spinach salad, and sourdough bread. yum.


{update: just finished lunch. salmon pasta = deeeelish! a must try. super healthy and super easy & we added a squirt of lemon to bump up the flavors...jeremy helped cook. the only flaw, i think we failed to clean the leek thoroughly so there was a smidgen of grit. but we still ate our bowls clean.}


a little lunch and a little reading seems like the perfect way to complete a restful weekend hanging around our beloved Cheatham County. we never imagined we'd be uttering "beloved" and "Cheatham" in the same breath, but we've really grown to love it here. on friday, jeremy played a set at the local coffeehouse as part of their *free* Friday evening summer concert series. there was a great turn-out from the neighborhood and some friends from nashville came by too. there was red-velvet cake, great music, and eli truly appeared stunned with pride at seeing his daddy on "stage."




yesterday found us as serious sugar-gluttons. first, mochas and muffins (oh, and a chocolate brownie.) next stop, Gigi's Cupcakes for delicious sweet confections swirled sky-high with decadent frosting. last night we dragged our fat selves to the nearby Broadway Drive-In (for Get Smart) with our friends from the coffeehouse. Eli loved staying up late two nights in a row (hence the sleeping in until ten), and rolling around on a thick palette of quilts under the open hatchback of our Subaru. I had not been to a Drive-In movie since about age 10, but it may just have revolutionized our movie-loving lives because it eliminates the necessity for a sitter. and there's something so fun and all-American about a drive-in movie.

the perfectly cooled summer air and an aroma of greasy-grilled cheeseburgers from the concession stand flowed through our open car windows and we lounged on pillows, eli curled up between us wearing only a diaper and t-shirt, his damp hair stuck to the side of his face while he slept.