Outside my window and inside my room

Another early morning. Five fifteen. But this time it was not a peaceful morning in our quiet kitchen. No, it was a frenzy of shoes being tossed about, quick gargles of mouthwash, and fumbling for car keys. We overslept.

Miraculously, Jeremy made his flight to Billings, and I came home and went back to sleep for as long as I could. Then I sat in our office and looked out the window with my coffee and watched bugs crawl along the fence. I wonder if bugs sleep. They sure seemed energetic for being up so early…big red ants scurrying along the tops of the fence planks. Up. Across. Down. Up. Across. Down. Such a steady rhythm, and such a contrast to that poor spider stuck between the window’s screen and pane of glass: confused and erratic, ramming himself into crevices in search of freedom.

I think life is kind of like that. [Or maybe I am just trying to be Annie Dillard.] But I do…life can be like the ants sometimes…moving along at a steady pace, in a straight line with goals and intentional patterns, the warm sun beating down on your back as you go. But then it takes these unexpected turns and suddenly you’re caught in this strange, confusing place you’ve never been before and you’ve got to find your way.

Jeremy wrote the funniest blog today about pens. He makes me laugh. A whole entry just about his collection of pens. (I can't promise it would be funny to anyone else.) He is the only person who can truly make me laugh when I am my most sad. A pure kind of laughter that you can’t hold back. You know that kind? He is so good at that. I have come to learn that no matter how sad I am, there are a few instances when it’s impossible for me to cry. I have tested this even. No matter how much I may be on the verge of an emotional spill, I won’t cry if I am chewing gum, wearing sunglasses, or in the presence of my husband when he is being funny.

Sitting here at his desk, I can smell his pipe tobacco. My grandfather used to smoke a pipe…my dad’s dad. He also loved to play chess, which Jeremy does too. I don’t quite remember if he was funny or not, though I know he was tall. And I do remember what he looked like when he was smiling, if only from pictures.