loving the color grey.

it just felt urgent that i type something, if only to see the little letters punching across the screen. i have this brain that spills over with too much of everything inside it. my friend christie calls this going fast--when you're trying to catch up with a racing mind, to lasso a single thought and make some sense of it. mostly, my going fast has to do with creating and with not being able to wade through my surplus of ideas. i have been pondering this notion lately: that i was created to create.

something beautiful. an adornment. or bigger: a life for my son; giving him moments. and much smaller: an aesthetically pleasing container in which to keep our toothbrushes.

every day i wake up and hope for another chance at something made. when too many days pass where all that i imagine overstuffs my head with no opportunity to come out, i am amazed at how lonely and frustrated i can feel. creating, in many ways, is like a big burst of oxygen to me.

this tension has always been there, probably. but only in the past couple of years has it become kind of sharp and inescapable.

i would never cut my ear off or anything that drastic, but there are real moments where i feel oddly tortured by my need to create. sometimes i feel like i've been wedged into a box that's way too small to house my body, and i'm pushing against it with my feet as hard as i can. but then, i'll steal just one single hour upstairs with paint brushes. or invent a new game to play with eli. or cook a new recipe. and suddenly, i have all sorts of room to stretch out again.

i've been reading. and thinking about this idea of my design. that God sees value in my creative self and that i've been wired for making. reminding myself of that truth helps me breathe a little easier, especially on the days when there's only laundry.